Decisions have to be made. Medications, books, online groups...those are not going to change my life. I was twice told by two different doctors that I likely have PTSD.  What??!! I thought...I was never in a war.  Bullshit. I have been at war my entire life. My weapons of mass destruction? Self harm, apathy, numbing, hiding, complaining, eating...Its fucking pathetic.  And I am sick of being looked at as pathetic. My foes? Well, there is a list. But my biggest one has been myself. I keep waiting for someone or something to just come and save me...to make it all better so the rest of my life is full of peace and fun and love and passion and joy.  Well, my ass is 35. And it is pretty clear that this miracle is not going to occur.  So I guess I gotta do this shit myself.

 

I am going to make a real sincere effort to lose a significant amount of weight by summer.  I will be smoke free very soon...only had 2 today.  I will no longer take shit. Even from those I love. Actually ESPECIALLY from those I love. I need to put less stock in my mom’s and husband’s opinions and make my own choices without guilt.  I need to start liking my life more and being grateful everyday so that I can be a better parent.  I need to get it thru my skull that it really doesn’t matter if people like me.  I will no longer apologize or feel guilty for my authenticity.  And most of all I need to start changing negative thoughts and words as soon as I realize I am creating them.

 

I realize this is a process and it is unlikely I will wake up in the morning as enlightened as my dear friend Rocky.  But I am seeing now that I need to take these steps myself – that no one is going to help me. 

 

I guess that is all I have to say for now. Have a good night.

I was supposed to go to my daughter’s class tomorrow and help out for their Halloween Party.  We were both excited about me coming to her class. But yesterday I found out that I basically can never go on a field trip or help in the classroom for my daughter’s school.  To be able to do these things, Unified requires the parent to fill out and sign a Wings application. Which I do think is good and makes me feel better about who is allowed to be around our children during school hours. However, for me, this poses a heart aching problem.  On the application you have to answer many questions regarding your legal history and it gives them the right to get one’s records off of the Wisconsin Circuit Court Access.  Now, I think many of you already know the story behind my “criminal” history. But if not, you can read all about it here - The Day That Changed My Life.

 

I could write to Unified and allow them to have all court records with my application for a possible acceptance. But that means allowing all of Unified and the teachers at my daughter’s school to know about the accusations that were once against me.  And let’s say Cassidy falls into the table and bruises her face. It will only take one accusation for them to take her away from me.  Especially if that accusation is from a teacher.  Because lets face it, unless someone REALLY takes the time to listen to my story, they will never really be certain that I am NOT a child abuser.  Everyone wants to crucify the evil stepmother. Trust me.

 

Shortly after finding this out, my husband told me that his ex wife told him that my step daughter didn’t want to come home last night because I’m “mean” to her.  WTF. I do so much for her. And yes, it is not party time over here like it is on the weekends with mom. Yes, I am more strict about doing homework, chores and eating right.  She thought I was “mean” last week when I told her that her nightly reading assignment could not consist of reading names out of her yearbook.  I was also mean because I told her that she needs to wash her hair when she is at her mom’s house (it smelled like ass, seriously).  But am I mean when I take hours trying to get her hair just right for Crazy Hair Day (she won 1^st place by the way). Am I mean when I tell her I love her every morning she walks out the door for school? Or when I make treats for school? Am I mean when I buy her little gifts and movies? It is because I am the one that deals with the homework, chores, getting dressed appropriately, eating the right foods, all that really fun stuff. I don’t really get much time, money or opportunity to be taking her to concerts, Chuck E Cheese, millions of parties, American Doll store...so of course I will not be the preferred parent. But MEAN??

 

Sometimes I really feel like running far far away.  If it wasn’t for Cassidy and I had made it thru that whole ordeal with out killing myself...life would be very different right now.

 

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Well, I was going to talk about more than just that, but I suddenly do not feel like writing anymore. I will later or tomorrow. Thanks for listening to my blathering once again J

 

On September 10^th, 2001, I spent most of the day prone on the bathroom floor.  I rose occasionally to vomit. During these hours I was also crying for what appeared to be no reason at all. Not only was I feeling very nauseated, but I was also in a deep despair that came literally out of nowhere. Everything had been fine. No serious dilemmas, no major issues of any kind to illicit such a reaction. I couldn’t explain to my boyfriend (now my husband) what was wrong. I had no idea. And frankly, I was worried.  I hadn’t eaten anything strange, but I did consider food poisoning.  But with the emotional symptoms...I did have a concern I may be pregnant - even though I didn’t have much of a reason to worry about it.  Later that day I called my Dr. and scheduled an appointment for first thing the next morning. I felt so sick up until then, that I was worried about even making it to the appointment.

 

I was driving across town to my Dr’s office and listening to Bob and Brian on Lazer 103.  They broke out of ‘character’ and announced just as they themselves were learning – a plane had hit the World Trade Center and seconds later, another.  The throat lumps in their familiar and usually soothing voices were almost visible through the airwaves. I was just dumbstruck.  It was like I was just watching a program or that it wasn’t real in some way – perhaps a joke. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, the Pentagon had also been hit.

 

I cannot explain it very well, but as soon as I heard this news - all the nausea and despair I had been feeling the previous 24 hours just lifted.  That’s it. I actually felt it lift out of me like one big breath. It sounds strange, you would think it would have made it worse, but instead, it was simply gone.

 

I walked into the office and I could tell they were not completely up on what was happening. I asked the receptionist if she had heard about the crashes. She was like, “yea, I heard the WTC was hit.” I told her it was hit twice and now the Pentagon. Her expression and demeanor changed quickly. After all, a terrible plane wreck beckons a much different feeling than your country possibly being attacked.

 

I went about my appointment including blood work. As far as they could tell, nothing was physically wrong with me. And no, I was not pregnant.

 

I began to drive to work. I was working in Menomonee Falls at the time and had a very long commute as the main freeway to get there was under construction. As I was about to get onto the highway to head north, I turned the car around. I had to go home. I was truly afraid to be so far from home not knowing what was happening to our country – possibly to the world. I called my boss the when I returned home and told him I wasn’t comfortable going to work that day. I was let go the day after with a minimal severance.  I didn’t even care.

 

Like the rest of the world, my eyes were glued to the TV for the following days. I felt such fear and sadness for what had happened.  But to this day, I cannot really explain the symptoms I had in the hours preceding the attack.  My only guess - considering I have had several other similar occurrences prior to tragedies since then - that it was some kind of precognitive empathic reaction.

 

I did not know anyone involved in the attacks. But it will certainly be a time I will never forget – as much as I’d like to.

Oh hell, I don’t even know where to start. My mind seems to be racing with intermittent moments of brain narcolepsy.  Kinda hard to focus that way.

 

In the past few months my depression has grown noticeably. I had to finally face the fact that the Cymbalta may no longer be working.  I have read countless stories about the pure agony of weaning off of Cymbalta and have always feared having to one day do so. I did a bunch of internet reading – surprise surprise – about all different medications and options. I finally made and appointment and went in last week with all of my printed info.  Which is funny in a way because when the Dr stepped out of his office I was able to catch a glimpse of my chart. On the notes from my last appointment I noticed the remarks, “she tends to over research on the internet.” And, “She is very medication phobic.”  LOL. Nothing I didn’t know I guess.

 

Anyway, after going over the different meds, their side effects and what not...he finally decided to add another drug to my existing prescription.  So, I still take the Cymbalta and now I am on day 2 of 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Since I am also trying to quit smoking and lose weight, he thought this was the best choice. Wellbutrin is also sold as Zyban – a smoking cessation medication. Along with the new medication I am also taking something called Cerefolin (Deplin). It is basically a potent active form of folate and B12. It is suppose to make the medications work better. Here is some interesting info on Deplin.  I am on Day 7 with that. Can’t say I notice anything from either yet. 

 

I have also not had a cigarette in over 48 hours. SO NOT FUN. I am really determined to do it this time. I know I can. I quit for almost 6 years...I can certainly do it again. I am not sure if this was the best timing, however as I am also PMSing big time and trying to adjust to this new med.

 

As far as side effects go, it is hard to tell what is from the WB, what is from not smoking and what is from my hormonal rage lol. But I am feeling: very hungry, very sleepy, fidgety, anxious, crying jags, IRRITABLE AS HELL, angry, bored and argumentative. Oh, and my boobs hurt.

 

So, I guess we shall see. It can take like a month to really know if the new med is going to work or not.  God, I hope so.  It was (and is at this point yet) getting really bad.  I don’t want to go anywhere, do anything. Like not just laziness...I strongly do not want to do anything or socialize or participate – nothing.  I rarely feel like writing. Kids have been irritating the hell outta me. My husband makes me absolutely furious much of the time. I am completely down on myself in anyway possible. I hate my looks and am mortified if someone from my past sees me for the first time since gaining weight.  I hate how my life turned out – feel very worthless and loser-esque. I feel very stuck in a life which really isn’t THAT bad and I need to jus be able to be happy, be grateful, relax and be a better mom. But it is just something I cannot do by myself. I have been thru years of therapy as well; I think I am pretty much beyond what they can do for me now.

 

I realize many people may think it strange I speak of such personal issues out in public this way.  It is just something that doesn’t bother me even in the least. I don’t feel these illnesses should be taboo or embarrassing. Everyone has their “thing”. No one out there is better than me simply because I was born chemically deficient.  I feel the more people talk about these things, the more the world will be educated, interested and active in finding better solutions.

 

There is much more I want to write about...Obama and Healthcare...Cassidy’s first week of school...etc...so I will write again tomorrow. Now, I need a nap.

Well, the family vacation dilemma isn’t really a dilemma anymore...just more of a worry. I spoke to Charlie and asked him if we could maybe just go for 4 or 5 days instead of the entire 7 days and he said that he really wanted to stay up there the whole week. Then he said that he was probably going to be taking his nephew because his parent’s car is too small. So, he was planning on me staying home all along. I asked him how he felt about it and he said it wasn’t an issue to him at all. He said I would probably get bored and spend half the time bitching. Gee, thanks lol. So, clearly...he REALLY does not care if I go or not and thinks the kids wont care one bit either – especially since I am with them all day everyday.  So, Bob and I will be staying home and holdin’ down the fort. I will miss my family though. I have NEVER been away from Cassidy for that long. I will also worry a lot. I just really hope they are all very careful and watch the kids constantly!!

 

I think taking those 7 days and having some genuine decompression time will actually be very good for me. I can do things around here that need to get done without nagging, criticism (do it THIS way) or constant interruptions. I can sleep until I wake up naturally. I can take in a yoga class or maybe even a massage. Perhaps I can even do some writing. Yea, I do think it will be good for me.

 

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For some reason the last few weeks have been really weird and emotional for me.  I cry at the drop of a hat. I am SO irritable. And most of all, I feel HORRIBLE about myself. I keep having dreams where people are either rejecting me or making fun of me because of my weight and looks. Even though I have been seeing a little change in my weight (for the better) lately, I feel no better at all. I saw a recent pic of myself the other night and started crying. Is this just the new me now? Do I have to just accept that I will never be thin and pretty again?? I never thought I was pretty or even anything close to it. I have always had issues with that. But when I look at pictures from the past, I wish I would have appreciated what I had (or didn’t have) back then. And I am talking even a mere 5 years ago. I dunno. It is so depressing and I HATE seeing people I haven’t seen in years simply because of the way I look. I hate feeling this way. I hate hate hate it.

 

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Lately Cassidy’s behavior has been exhausting. She pushes EVERYthing passed the limit. She does not listen. Has a snotty mouth. And she fights us on everything. She got in trouble at Kiddie Korner the other day for not listening to her leader. I was so embarrassed. It was like they didn’t even want her there anymore. And see, the thing is...this kid is smart. And yes, I am completely aware that every parent says this about their child. But she is oddly perceptive, intuitive and extremely quick witted. But I don’t even know how to get thru to her right now. Consequences seem to have very little effect. Yelling and threats certainly don’t work. Please tell me this is just a phase!! I am so afraid for her to start pre-K this September if she is still having this monster possession.

 

Kenzie is doing just fine. She started soccer this summer and seems to like it...but she needs to practice more – and I don’t mean just kicking the ball into the fence!! She is doing really well tho for having never played before. Hope it continues.

 

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Anywho...I gotta run for now...but I will write again soon. More I wanted to “talk” about.

It’s been a while. I know, I know. Not much motivation for writing these days. Perhaps it is the lack of things to write about and wanting to avoid whining in public as much as possible. But today I am in a funk and figured what the hell. I need to spew some random, mundane life shit and I really don’t care how poopy I sound.

 

I say “today I am in a funk”, but really...I have been here for a while now.  I haven’t been keeping promises to myself.  I have been irritable big time.  And I cannot shake this feeling that I am wasting my life away.  I love my family. I like that I am able (barely, but that is another topic) to stay home with the kids and be available to be responsible for their needs in the ways I see fit.  I love being here to watch Cassidy grow and learn more each and every day.  I like being able to provide home cooked meals on a regular basis.  But really...is that all there is? Shouldn’t I do more as a growing individual? I don’t even FEEL like an individual anymore to be quite honest with you.  I feel like someone’s wife, someone’s mom, someone’s stepmom...but where in the hell did Heather Rayne Jocius go?? I actually miss her.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if other people (like my mom for one) did as well. 

 

You can give me ideas. But I bet I have already thought about them. And there is always a cookie cutter excuse why each idea would not work for me. 

 

Job? None out there. Can’t get hired with background check. Jobs I can get wouldn’t make me any happier than what I am doing now – I’ve tried them all.  Plus, I cannot make enough to make it worth it after child care is paid for.

 

Volunteer? Oh I have printed out volunteer openings for anything between Bingo Callers to Secretarial Workers. But have I ever gone beyond that? Nope. I figured, I would need to pay a sitter so volunteering would actually cost me money I do not have.  

 

Join a club or find a hobby? Well that excuse is easy...I have some major social anxieties and no skills or talents whatsoever.  What on earth could there be for me out there??

 

School? WAYYYY too expensive right now. And besides, what the hell would I even go for at this point? All my Gen Ed classes are completed...I would have to make a decision. Many decisions. This would cost, again, way more than I have.

 

So I suppose that leaves me with one option – suck it up whiney ass!!

 

I dunno. Maybe its hormones and I am going thru “the change” early.  Or perhaps a mid life crisis. Regardless, I hope it blows over because I am in some serious need of some genuine happiness and ease.

 

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Later this summer my husband is taking the kids up north with his mom and step dad to a cottage they rent in St. Germaine (near Eagle River, Minocqua...) for a week.  I say he is taking them because I have not yet decided if I am going.

 

My cat, Bob, AKA my BFF, is now here alone since his sister died last summer. He has kidney failure as well, but seems to be tolerating it pretty well. I have written before about how dependant this cat is on me. I know it may seem silly, but he really is.  He is like constantly attached to my hip.  So, how do I leave him for a whole week?? I have never left him that long before.  And honestly, I cannot think of anyone who could stay here just to take care of a cat. I don’t want him to just get checked in on, ya know?? He will be so scared and lonely.  And what if I do that and he dies a week later? I would feel awful forever.

 

Also, I do have to admit that camping in the North Woods just isn’t what I want to do for an entire week.  Yea, when I was younger and would drink bloody marys and pretty much sleep and party all day...it was much different. And you have to remember, I am a stay at home mom...for about 6 years now. I am with these kids ALL of the time. I am cooking and cleaning all of the time.  What exactly would make this a vacation?? LOL.

 

The cabin seems nice. They stay there every year. I just wish it wasn’t for so long or so far away so I could just come home by myself when I was ready. I think seven people (three of which are crazy ass kids) in one cabin for 7 days will make me anxious. As you may know, I am the type of person who seriously requires privacy and alone time. I seem to hold in these bad energies and without some decompression time, alone, I would possibly explode. That would be gross.

 

On the other hand, I have never been away from my husband or daughter more than a couple days. I would miss them and worry about their safety all the time.  And a friend on Facebook mentioned that it could be emotionally unhealthy for my daughter if I miss a family vacation. I never thought that was a worry.  I honestly never thought Cassidy would care one way or another. She will be having fun and I guess I figured she probably wouldn’t even think of me much. But now after reading what my friend wrote, I feel even MORE guilty for considering staying home that week. Here is what she said and I would love to hear if you agree with this. Feedback will really be helpful to me now.

 

"Being a traditionalist, I'd have to say that it's absolutely no question that you have to put your marriage and family first under all circumstances. Pets are wonderful, but they are only with us for a short while, but I'm guessing your daughter will remember your absence from a family vacation for the rest of her life...

 

Plus, it sets a dangerous precedent, excluding yourself from family events, for a variety of reasons: #1, it isn't healthy for your marriage, and #2, it makes it so much more likely your daughter will insist on skipping family events when she gets older (which isn't healthy for her). We just went on a week long vacation to the north woods (the drive to the very tippy top of the state was only 4.5 hours) and we left 2 dogs, a cat, a guinea pig, and 10 chickens in the care of a pet sitter, and they all did just fine. And in spite of crappy weather, it was absolutely WONDERFUL to get away, a good experience for all of us:-)"

 

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think about this topic. Am I really being a bad mother, wife?? I mean, I know I am not perfect. There is much to improve upon. But I do try.

 

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Did ya hear the news?? Michael Jackson died. Oh. My. God. I realize what a superstar he was and I appreciate that, I really do. But the coverage is just out of control!! What I can say about it is that when he was going through the accusations and trials regarding child abuse, I did think he was guilty...of SOMEthing. It all just seemed very strange to me and as a mom, I would not feel the least bit comfortable with the situations described.  But since his death and seeing his children and watching his beautiful daughter speak at the memorial...I have a new respect for him as a father. She clearly loved him very much. I could feel her pain.

 

Another person I gained surprising respect for is Farrah Fawcett. After years of seeing her act ditsy and out of her mind on various television appearances, I really did not think much of her. But after watching the documentary on her battle with cancer, I see her in a whole new light.

 

I hope they are both happy where they are now.

 

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There is actually more on my mind, but Cassidy is driving me INSANE right now and I can barely think. Talk at ya later.

Letter I submitted to The Racine Journal Times today.

Here is the link to the letter online (printed Wednesday June 10, 2009)

http://www.journaltimes.com/articles/2009/06/10/letters_to_editor/doc4a2ef9a3270ec548203860.txt

 

 

I am confused about something and perhaps someone out there can clear this up for me.  When a person decides to become a pet owner - specifically, cats in this case - I have to sometimes wonder - what is their actual motivation?  Did their child beg for a pet that the parent truly did not want? Did they decide that the cleaning of liter boxes was simply too laborious? There must be some reason, be it a good one or not, why cat owners allow their HOUSE cats to roam freely through the neighborhoods.

 

I adore cats. And that is why I want to vomit whenever I see one on the side of the road after being hit by a car. That is why is saddens me to no end to see cats spread feline HIV and various other diseases so rapidly. That is why it breaks my heart when I see them freezing in the winter snow.  Aside from my love of cats, I also enjoy and appreciate the wild creatures nature affords us. And that is why last week I was sickened to find a murdered chipmunk in my backyard (luckily before the kids did). It is also why I have been obsessing over a baby robin with a mutilated wing all weekend. And it is why my mother painstakingly had to put her own indoor cat to sleep last week because the outside domestic cats coming into the yard everyday were making her urinate all over the house.  Years of suggestions from vets and others did not conquer the problem and 15 year old Punky had to be euthanized per suggestion from her vet.

 

So, if you are one of those cat owners who allow your pet to run freely through the streets, I have to ask you – why? If your answer seems to outweigh the negatives your decision is bringing to others, then I hope you sleep well. If not, I urge you to please keep your house cats where they belong, in the house.

 

Meow.

 

 

 

This past Friday was my 35^th birthday. And perhaps it goes without saying; I have been in a pretty icky funk lately. Turning 35 in itself was enough to start me in a self pity direction. Then I had the most uneventful, forgettable birthday ever. And now here I am on a Monday morning realizing yet again that I am just on this hamster wheel of which I have no idea how to get off – or even where I would go if I did. Oh and I think I may have cancer.

 

Do I even really need to explain how being 35 sucks for me right now? I mean, I feel like I have accomplished nothing in my life really. I have nothing that is just mine. I still don’t know who or what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, come on. When am I going to find MY LIFE??

 

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On Friday, my husband woke up late and was rushed getting out of the house. Still, I was surprised when he didn’t say Happy Birthday. But I knew he would remember so I just thought it was funny, really.  The phone rang shortly after and I was sure it was him. Nope, my mom. Then the same happened when my sister in law, step dad and the doctor’s office called. Finally the phone rang at 3pm. “Happy Birthday”, he says like nothing. I said – gee thanks. He admitted that he just remembered when he was filling out his time sheet. Then he said, “OH! I am supposed to pick up a cake for you, huh?” Yes, Charlie. I want my cake.

 

I knew I wasn’t getting a gift because we had discussed it earlier and my gift was a night in a hotel. That is usually what my birthday gift is. I like to go to a hotel alone for a night to get away and relax. I watch movies, order room service, do my nails and just have some me time. So about a week before I found a great deal on www.hotwire.com and booked my room. So I suppose his gift to me was his permission to go away for the night while he takes care of the kids. When I say it out loud, I feel kinda bad about myself. I know it is all part of this pity party I am throwing myself...but am I crazy for thinking that is lame? I guess just once in a while I want to feel important or special to SOMEone...just once in a blue moon. I really am not asking for SO much – or am I?? A card would have even been nice, ya know?

 

Charlie isn’t a bad husband. And usually I try not to write much about our relationship issues out of respect for his privacy. But I guess, I needed to talk about this today. I tried talking to him yesterday and he just viewed it as me bitching. I dunno. I am grateful for his positive attributes, I really am. But sometimes I just feel really bummed about the not so positive ones.

 

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So, I did have my hotel night on Saturday. It was ok. Not as relaxing as it usually is. I think I may need to do it again soon to fully recharge!! I watched two really great movies. It was a Kate Winselt night – Revolutionary Road and The Reader. I will be writing reviews on both sometime this week. I think Revolutionary Road is partly what is making me feel this need to reevaluate though. But it was very good.

 

I did my nails. Gave myself a facial. Had a delicious cheeseburger and a glass of wine (which I diluted with a whole can of diet sprite). And some dark chocolate M&Ms for dessert. Yum. And yes, I will be working harder on the dreadmill this week.

 

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Next week my step daughter is driving to Connecticut with her grandmother, aunt and cousin.  They will be gone a whole week. Charlie’s grandfather lives there. I am nervous. I just really wish they were flying. I will be glad when it is over. Cassidy wasn’t asked to go, which I do understand.  She is still too young and hyper. I wouldn’t have let her go anyway. She is jealous though. She wonders why Kenzie is always “the lucky one”. I try to explain it, but it is futile. She’ll get over it if she hasn't already.

 

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Another reason for harder workouts this week – Easter Brunch!! We always go to the Marriott for their Easter Brunch. It is huge and delicious and their dessert table is to die for. This year my parents and brother’s family will be joining us. It should be nice.  I usually have a little egg hunt here after for the kids. But since Kenzie will be gone, I think I will plan it for the following weekend. And that rocks because I can go to Walgreen’s the day after Easter and get everything 50-75% off. I love saving money J

 

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Oh, the cancer. About 8 months ago I noticed a lump type growth on my thigh. I didn’t think much of it, but it got bigger and so I started looking up pictures on the net. It really looks like it may be basal cell carcinoma. I did a lot of searching and found nothing else that looks remotely like it. I am going to the Gyno this week and I was just planning on asking him about it since he will geographically be down that way anyhow (yea...fun). I am nervous when I really think about it. So, I try not to. Which is kinda why it has taken me so long to finally even ask a Dr about it. I really do not know what to expect with all of this. I do know that I wish I hadn’t spent so much of my life in a tanning bed!! Maybe I will get lucky and it will be something totally harmless. Though, I can’t imagine it is. Ugh. I cannot think about this anymore today. I see the Dr. tomorrow. I will let you know what’s up.

 

 

 

Well...I have to get some laundry done. As the wheel continues to spin...

 

Talk at ya soon.

Last night I watched the season 2 finale of Damages.  Damages is a suspenseful prime time drama on the FX network.  This is probably the first television show with such a remarkable, stellar cast. Peppered with the likes of  Glenn Close, Rose Byrne, Tate Donovan, Ted Danson, Zeljko Ivanek, Marcia Gay Harden, and William Hurt – this show never ceases to amaze me as to which actor will show up next. 

 

Damages is shot like well directed movie and written with a high degree of intelligence and excitement. Based on corruption, greed, murder, deceit, trust...Damages revolves around powerful attorney Patty Hewes (Close) and her new associate Ellen Parsons (Byrne). But this is not your typical legal series.  From pretty much the first episode we knew the battles would take place in the lives of these attorneys and those they know – and not so much in the courtrooms.

 

This is definitely a show in which spoilers would truly ruin the experience...so aside from the description above, I will not divulge that will enthrall you naturally anyway. I will, however, ask that if you have not already been enjoying Damages, please rent season one and watch the reruns of season two on FX. Be ready for next season, you will not be disappointed. And hopefully, this favorite of mine will not be ridiculously cancelled like some others that have my undies in a bundle (Life, Life on Mars, The Riches...).

 

Anywho...check it out, eh?

In my latest attempts to improve my health and body – while losing weight – I have decided to approach the situation differently. And as it turns out, it may not be so strange after all.

 

Little background – when I was 29 years old I quit smoking, alcohol (with the exception of a glass of wine once in a blue moon) and caffeine.  Part of the reason I did this was because I was diagnosed with an arrhythmia that is now under complete control with a beta blocker (medication which keeps heart rate low and steady). At that time I was about 145 or so.  I was not happy with my body – as I never have been. But looking back, I do not know what my problem was. I only WISH I could look like that again. HERE is a picture. This is about 2 months before getting pregnant which was a couple weeks after the diagnosis. SOOO...due to the medication and of course, the pregnancy, I gained about 70lbs. Yikes is right.

 

Now...my “baby” is about 4 ½. And I still have about 30lbs to loose.  During these last 4 years, I have tried EVERYthing. Bought a treadmill, DVDs, gym membership, weights, balance ball, Nutrisystem (2 months worth), yada yada...Those 30 pounds do NOT want to budge. I have spent months weighing my food, writing EVERYthing down, counting calories, joining different weight loss websites...again, yada yada.  So, a couple months ago I decided that I those typical weight loss methods were just no good for me. I became obsessed with the numbers, with every morsel that went into my mouth. The scale was an enemy that made no sense to me. How could I have been making so many significant changes with virtually no change on the scale? It made me furious.

 

So, I basically decided to chill.  I will buy food that is healthy and not have temptations in the house.  If I have a weekend day splurging, I do and TRY to do this without feeling guilt. That is something that will take some time. Only when I do “splurge” I do not stuff myself, ever. I stop eating before that full feeling. I eat smaller meals or snacks throughout the day. Though, I do still need to work on eating breakfast everyday. I basically try to eat when I feel hungry and stop when I am not. I eat only things I really like when I splurge too. I try to eat it slower. And I do not drink any calories.  Water, decaf iced tea, decaf coffee...and a diet decaf soda here and there is all I drink. I have not weighed myself in months. No measurements either. I am going to base results by how my clothing fits, how I look naked and how I feel. The scale is a joke anyway. They are never exactly right and our bodies change so much through each day. Hell, around my period – I can gain 7 pounds in bloat!! That is no exaggeration either...unfortunately.

 

I have also increased my exercise. I use my treadmill about 6 days a week and will do anywhere from 30-50 minutes. I also use my hand weights and balance ball for ab exercises 2-3 times a week.

 

My mom and husband have said I look thinner. Not sure how honest they are being. But I do feel my pants are a little looser. Anyway...I was reading an article last night and found out about THIS.  It is called Intuitive Eating. And it is pretty much what I have been doing on my own. I thought it was so interesting that it was actually being practiced by others intentionally. Check it out.

March 24, 2009

 

 

Dear Mr. Russo and Gifford Staff,

 

I am writing to you today in regards to the interview I had given to The Racine Journal Times concerning school snacks.  I wanted to first convey that in no way, shape or form did I ever intend to disparage Gifford or its educators. I am and always have been very outspoken about my support to public schools and Racine’s teachers.  By reading some of the comments following the article, you may think I feel otherwise. So I wanted to make that clear right off the bat.

 

I would also like to explain how this article came about. One morning I found out that my step daughter (whom I have helped raise since 14 months old) had been taking her allowance to school to buy junk food at snack time. Her father and I were not aware of this and she explained the snack cart to us. Until this time, we knew there was a snack time, but never knew snacks were sold to the kids with the exception of the popcorn Fridays and occasional ice cream. So, needless to say, we were surprised. As I thought about it that morning, I decided to write a blog on the subject. I write on a personal blog site several times a week – anything from personal situations to local politics to movie reviews. If you would like to see the original blog of which I speak, here is the link: http://cheersrayne.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!656F9A4108C3E513!6719.entry

 

I also sometimes share my blog entries on The Journal Times website if I am looking for advice or suggestions. This is when a reporter contacted me and asked a couple basic questions regarding what I had written. So, that is how this was all brought to a head.

 

I know the difficult position schools are in right now. And while my sympathies do not necessarily lie with Unified – they most certainly lie with the educators within the district. I realize the snack cart as an idea was and is a good one with positive intentions. I just think that more common sense and planning could be put into choosing the items for the cart. It is no secret that children are getting heavier and heavier and doing less and less. While I believe all lessons and education need to start at home – I also think it is the school’s responsibility to not undermine the lessons we should be teaching our children. How can a teacher explain to a child about the importance of the 5 food groups and nutritional values when five minutes later the kids are encouraged to buy a Ding Dong? That is all I am trying to convey.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I have to say today. Please feel free to ever contact me if you wish about this or any topic. I do try to make an effort to be an involved parent.

 

Regards,

 

Heather Rayne Geyer

A couple weeks ago, I posted a blog here and on the Journal Times site regarding the school snack policy at my step daughter's elementary school. Here is the link to that blog on this site...and here is the link to the JT blog.

 

Shortly after posting the blog, I received an email from a reporter at JT stating she was interested in peruing the story as it ties in to National Nutrition Month. I gladly spoke to her and pretty much just reiderated the statements I had made in the blog. That same night I ended up receiving an email from The American Diabetes Association regarding a bill that is being introduced to congress on this exact topic. Clearly, it is not an issue that only concerned me.

 

Today the article ran in The Journal Time. Here is a link to the online story and comments from readers.  I will also paste the article below:

 

Upset about school snack options

Parent says healthier choices fit prevalent message of the times

BY LINDSAY FIORI
Journal Times

 

 

Jody Harding

 

Briefly describe your life growing up.

            I was very fortunate to grow up in Hoffman Estates, Illinois in the 1960’s, when almost all moms were “stay at home” moms, and kids could spend summers playing from dawn to dusk without adult supervision and in complete safety.  I lived within 30 minutes of both sets of grandparents, who shamelessly spoiled myself and my two brothers.

 

What has been your most difficult obstacle?

            Over the years, I have found it difficult to be taken seriously as a candidate for management positions because I am a woman.  The “glass ceiling” is still very much in existence.  I have found that, like most women, I have to be twice as smart and work twice as hard as a man to achieve the same results.  Fortunately, I really enjoy overcoming challenges.

 

What accomplishment have you made which has given you the most pride?

            I was extremely proud to graduate Magna Cum Laude from Ancilla Junior College in Donaldson, Indiana, before continuing on to get my BS degree from Indiana University.  I was also very proud to be appointed President of a small manufacturing company in Milwaukee.  However, my greatest source of pride and pleasure is when my husband, my mom and my friends and family say, “I’m proud to have you for my friend.”  No other success can replace that one.

 

Which characteristics about you make you the better candidate?

            My greatest failing and my greatest strength are the same:  I am stubborn.  Once I am convinced I am right about something, it is very difficult to change my mind or my course.  I recognize the importance of understanding the underlying problem before designing a solution, and I believe we have to take the long-term view of most issues, even when the short-term answer is easier.  I am a good communicator, and have a talent for getting people from opposite sides of the table to work together.

 

What do you like to do on your time off?

            My hobbies include reading, crafting doll-houses and raising orchids.  I love working in my yard, playing with my dogs and watching old movies with my husband of 27 years.

 

Do you think you will live the rest of your life in Racine? If not, where?

            I expect to live in Racine for the rest of my days.  We have been blessed with a beautiful home and wonderful neighbors.  Racine was once a safe, friendly and prosperous town, and I believe it can be so again.

 

What are the top 5 things Racine has to offer its citizens?

1.      Friendly and caring people

2.      An island of peace between the bustle of Milwaukee and Chicago

3.      A beautiful lakefront, harbor, zoo and other amenities

4.      Wonderful old neighborhoods

5.      Great potential for business and personal growth

 

What do you think the average Racinian could do to better their city?

            Focus on all of the good that is here, and speak of it positively whenever possible.  Get to know your neighbors, and watch each other’s backs.  Take responsibility for your own actions.  Vote.

 

 

 

Do you have any pets?

            I have – among other things – 3 horribly spoiled dogs.

 

 

If you are elected Mayor, what will be your top 3 objectives/goals?

1.       Support new and existing business by reducing wasteful spending of tax dollars, and by reversing our path of over-regulation.

2.      Reduce crime by giving support, coordination and resources to the local organizations that are making headway in some of our worst neighborhoods.

3.      Promote education through grassroots efforts that encourage kids to say in school, promote the value of education, and provide resources for persons of any age to return to school.

 

Tough one. If you could not continue the Mayoral race, which of the 11 candidates would you prefer to see win this race?

            All of the candidates besides myself and one other have a long history of “public service.”  The worst of these politicians have records of investigations for fraud and unethical conduct.  The best of them have proved that they have no idea how to solve the issues that plague Racine.  Therefore, if I were not running, I would vote for Jamie Charon as the only candidate who comes to the table untarnished.

 

This is the response from John Dickert's camp:

 

Hello Heather,

In regards to your email request for the questionnaire, I am going to direct you to John Dickert's website www.voicesforracine.com  You should find all the answers to your questions there.  If there is anything else you need, please feel free to contact me.

Thanks and have a great night.

Gregory Bach
Campaign Manager

 

My 4 year old daughter, Cassidy, was suppose to be cleaning her room last night. It was very messy and she was NOT happy about the job ahead of her. She was kicking stuff around that was on her floor and whining. As I started walking into another room I heard her scream, "Why are mom's boobs on my floor??!!!" She sounded horified. Apparently my nude colored bra made its way into my daughter's tornado-like destruction.

As many of you probably know, our former Mayor Gary Becker, was recently arrested and charged with felonies due to his apparent 'sex addiction' and taste for teenage girls. He is no longer Mayor and is currently residing in an addiction clinic out East. Here is a link in case you missed the story -

 

 

So, the Mayoral race is on with 11 eager candidates. The list/story is here:

 

 

I know that many people have no clue who they would vote for. And it is clear we need educated and involved voters in order to get this city out of the gutter.

 

I have written a letter and a questionnaire to the candidates. I have already emailed them to the individuals whose email is made available. I will continue to check on the others. And as I receive (or do not receive) responses, I will post them for you.

 

Here is the letter and the questionnaire follows -

 

Dear

 

 

My name is Heather and I am a citizen of Racine County.  I am a married, stay at home parent with children in the Racine Unified School District.

 

I write as a hobby and have a personal blog site where I often write about local topics and politics.  I am also an active voter and very interested in what goes on in our area. Obviously this upcoming Mayoral election is of high interest to me and many others in Racine.

 

I believe that people need to become more involved and gain a greater understanding for how their government works as well as the people involved in out local politics. I think a reason many do not is simply because candidates are not always seen as regular people.  Regular people with huge responsibilities, yes, but people just the same. 

 

The Journal Times will no doubt be asking the typical questions to the candidates – KRM, Property Taxes, Lakefront...What I want to do is ask a few questions in a way that will help us get to know you not only as a candidate...but also as a person.  I think it is extremely crucial to speak about the specific issues – after all, that is on which most people base their votes.  But when I am deciding on a candidate, I also try to look at that person and their values, ideals, personality.

 

I do hope you can take the time to answer the questions I have attached. I think they could really help some of us decide who really is the best person to lead Racine.

 

Thank you for your time.

 

 

 

Regards,

 

 

 

 

Briefly describe your life growing up.

 

 

 

 

What has been your most difficult obstacle?

 

 

 

 

What accomplishment have you made which has given you the most pride?

 

 

 

 

Which characteristics about you make you the better candidate?

 

 

 

 

What do you like to do on your time off?

 

 

 

 

Do you think you will live the rest of your life in Racine? If not, where?

 

 

 

What are the top 5 things Racine has to offer its citizens?

 

 

 

What do you think the average Racinian could do to better their city?

 

 

 

Do you have any pets?

 

 

 

If you are elected Mayor, what will be your top 3 objectives/goals?

 

 

 

Tough one. If you could not continue the Mayoral race, which of the 11 candidates would you prefer to see win this race?

 

 

 

 

I am embarrassed to say that I am just learning this morning that my step daughter eats junk every day.  Uninvolved parent, you may be thinking.  Well, maybe not involved enough I guess.

 

My beautiful step daughter is 9 years old and in third grade in the Racine Unified District.  I have always felt it very important to try to have her eat as healthy as possible – while still being a kid of course. I make balanced healthy meals. I make sure our breakfast cereals have no more than 5 grams of sugar per serving. I even try to buy healthier deserts like no sugar added popsicles and things like that. I read labels!! Nonetheless, we have noticed consistent and significant weight gain.  

 

It is no secret that childhood obesity is a pandemic that is literally weighing us down as a country. Healthcare costs will only continue to increase, health insurance premiums will continue to sky rocket, children will continue to precede the death of their parents...this is truly everyone’s problem. 

 

It may sound like a silly bone to pick coming from a woman who is a tad overweight herself. But from my perspective – I became overweight in my 30s. It has been traumatic – honestly. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to be an overweight child or teenager.  I cannot let my step daughter go through that. I want her to have the best opportunities and the healthiest life possible. I do not think that is probable if she becomes overweight.  Being only 9, her weight is not an issue to her. And it shouldn’t. That is why I only discuss with her about eating healthy to be healthy as she grows up. I would never tell her she is too big or fat or anything like that. Just wanted to clarify that for the record.

 

Okay, so where is this going? Well, I found out this morning that she has been spending her allowance on chips and candy – AT SCHOOL.  I did know that they had snack time in the afternoon. I was already annoyed by that. Why the hell do they need snack time?? I was under the impression that she was bringing something from home or just not having snacks. But apparently, at her school (not sure about the others) they provide a snack cart. In the afternoon they line up and walk to the snack cart where they can buy what they choose. I asked my step daughter what are the choices she can remember being on the cart. Here is the list she told to me:

 

Gogurt

Peanuts

Potato Chips

Candy

Peanut Butter Crackers

Kettle Corn

Ding Dongs

 

So. While some of us are trying to get our kids to eat right most of the time...the schools are basically undermining us.  Kids need to be kids. And candy, cakes, ice cream...that really is part of being a kid – like it or not. But it should be up to the parents to give these treats to their children so that they can monitor what their kids are ingesting and how much.

I am really bothered by this. Am I over reacting? Is there anything I can do about this? Who is in charge of making these decisions in Unified?

 

I am a HUGE supporter of public schools. And I have always been there to defend our district’s teachers. But this is one time I am truly disappointed with our schools.